The trashy novel was predicting sudden death. I was reading it on Flight AN4 to Darwin. It was a trashy novel but a prescient one.
The American accent came over the inter-com: “”Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Captain Miller. Today, we will be tracking over Longreach, Mount Isa and Katherine on route to Darwin. Our arrival time is now anticipated at 12.55pm Central Time. We do apologise for the current air turbulence and we do suggest you keep your seat belts fastened at this time.”
Since the pilots’ strike and the influx of American pilots, airlinebabble has become even more long-winded. The mellowness that comes with the American belief in giving service has replaced the clipped British tradition of giving orders. The word “”now” smacks of bossing people about, so it is replaced in airlinebabble with “”at this time”.
No longer do we have: “”This is the captain speaking, and I demand your attention because I am about to boss you about.” Instead, it is replaced with “”Captain Miller” apologising, bizarrely for air turbulence over which he has no control.
Before the flight was out he was to apologise for something else, too.
Hardened by years on the sub-editors’ table, for years I have mentally edited airlinebabble and copspeak. “”At this time we suggest you return to your seat and fasten your seat belt”’ I mentally edit to: “”Sit down now and put your seat belt on.” But later today the smooth flow of airlinebabble would add to the comfort and safety of passengers on Flight 4 to Darwin.
Before long the mellow accent with its somnolent redundancies returned: “”Ladies and gentlemen, as you have noticed at this time our aircraft has changed its direction and we are turning back to Brisbane.”
The extra words allowed the message to sink in slowly. The melodious monotone almost diguised the fact that turning back meant trouble. It had a “”no-cause-for-alarm” softness about it. For some passengers, it no doubt sent the spasm of fear through the body that comes with the knowledge of impending doom, no matter how unlikely.
I was one of the privileged passengers who saw what had caused the return to Brisbane. I had just finished the trashy novel which was to end with blood all over and was glancing out at the wing. For some reason the wing flaps interested me. Perhaps it was their movement in the turbulence.
Anyway, a slight commotion two seats up and over the aisle caused me to look back at the cabin. A passenger had collapsed.
Those in front of the collapse couldn’t see. They had to wait for the explanation. Those behind craned their necks like chickens in a crowed pen at feeding time: left, then right, up then into the aisle.
It was curiousity in direct proportion to propinquity, the law that drives news media and those that work in it. Someone collapsing in the same aircraft is of interest; someone collapsing in another place is of little consequence. Three deaths on the Federal Highway equals eight dead in Queensland and 30 in Germany.
The American accent continued. It reminded me of another American influence in airlinebabble: the use of the word “”Passenger” as an honorific, as in: (subs leave capital letters in next few pars as is please) “”Will Passenger Pariah, Passenger Coldbath and Passenger Islate please proceed to Gate Lounge 4. Your aircraft is ready for boarding at this time.”
Each passenger gets a separate honorific. They also get to possess, if fleetingly, a whole aircraft with the “”your aircraft is ready”. And they “”proceed” to it, not go, and not now but “”at this time”.
I think the honorifics come from Time magazine. American magazines and newspaper never use honorifics so the second reference is just Pariah, Coldbath or Islate. However, in those very long Time pieces constructed in New York from reporters around the world, John Coldbath might be an engineer and Bill Islate a biologist quoted, for example, in an article about Kuwaiti oil. The second reference to Coldbath and Islate might be so far down the article that the reader has forgotten who they are and how they fit into the story. To help, Time converts their occupation to an honorific with a capital letter: “”Says Engineer Coldbath: “The oil just spewed.’ Agreeing, Biologist Islate said: “There were microbes everywhere.”
On this occasion, however, the passenger had no name, and therefore no honorific.
The American captain: “”We have a minor emergency at this time. A passenger has fallen ill.”
The passenger was by now on his back in the aisle. The chickens in the aisle seats were pecking at the scene, relaying what they saw to their windowward companions.
Passenger X was the centre of attention, but the curiousity about him was idle. Did the fate of Passenger X really matter in the great scheme of things for Passenger Y and Passenger Z. Let’s face it, Passenger Z would not arrive in Darwin on time. Indeed, I was to be met in Darwin by a friend who would now be inconvenienced by Passenger X’s inconsiderate collapse.
“”Ladies and gentlemen, is there a qualified nurse or doctor on board?”
Ah, the American influence again. You can see the scene in üLA Law: “”Your Honour, the defendant airline was negligent in that it did not call for a qualified nurse or doctor, thereby endangering my client causing aggravation of his injury, nervous shock, reckless exposure and financial detriment.”
Thus only the qualified were called.
Across the aisle, a woman in her mid-20s hesitated and then got up.
Clearly a nurse, I thought, waiting to see if there was a doctor in the house first.
Wrong. I overheard later, that in fact she was a doctor.
She tended Passenger X with three hostesses all the way back to Brisbane. I knew I would get the inside story with a few polite questions on her return. The law of curiousity and propinquity arises again.
The trolley was wheeled on board and Passenger X, pulseless, colourless and perhaps lifeless, was wheeled out.
The doctor with fussing hostess behind came back to her seat, but before I could ask what happened, she scooped up her hand luggage and was whisked to first class. I never found out about Passenger X.
An hour and a half later after he first said Captain Miller came over the inter-com: “”We will be tracking over Longreach, Mount Isa and Katherine.”
Then: “”At this time I would like to thank those passengers for their assistance with . . . sq bkt (he stumbles there is no scripted airlinebabble) . . . with our unfortunate passenger. We do apologise for the turbulence and suggest that you do return to your seats and fasten your seat belts”
At this the hostess trolleyed her way down the aisle offering complementary drinks because of the inconvenience caused by Passenger X. In the impersonal world of insincere airlinebabble offering the personal touch, I knew we would never know Passenger X’s fate.
There was only one thing to do: at this time Passenger Hull sank back to a gin and tonic 32,000 feet over Longreach.