Being Australian wasn’t the exclusive province of the Republicans last night, as Andrew Denton mercilessly pointed out.
He leaned over the Minister for Health, Graham Richardson, condemning the unAustralian activities of the Keating Government.
“”I sit in the section of Qantas you didn’t sell to British Airways,” he said. “”I ate the few Arnotts biscuits you didn’t sell to Campbells.”
It was the Comedy Summit’s ABC World Series Debating in the Canberra Theatre last night.
Denton, Paul Lyneham and Bronwyn Bishop were pitted against Richardson, Malcolm Turnbull, and Wendy Harmer.
The debate “”That Australian Needs The Royal Family” was televised and will be shown mid-year.
Lyneham, however, can character assassinate just as easily without an autocue as with one, referring to Richo as “”the technical adviser to the movie Silence of the Lambs. He wondered whether Turnbull’s bitterness against the monarchy came from having to grovel up Phillip Street in a wig and gown like a refugee from the gay Mardi Gras.
He wondered why Australians did grand a silly things every time there are a few noughts on the calendar.
Turnbull scoffed at the stability argument of the constitutional monarchy. If it were the case, Australian should become a republic because it was stable enough and the Queen could better spend her time spreading stability elsewhere in her kingdom _ Belfast for example.
If she had not been so busy stabilising Australia in the bicentennary she could have had a tea party in Suva and prevented the Fiji coup.
Senator Bishop said she was suspicious of polls. She had read one before March 13 that said Hewson would win.
Wendy Harmer after relating the litany of the horrible year said the Windors was a family you would move suburbs for. “”We moved hemispheres.”
Richo worried about arguing for a Republic when as Minister he held office during the Governor-General’s pleasure.
“”Anyway, Bill _ mate,” he said. “”I’ll know you’ll square it off for me with her.”
Denton argued for importing the Royal family as a business proposition to pay for the foreign debt.
“”If we’re going to have boat people, let’s have the ones that are loaded.”
At the end Denton hammed it up, falling to his knees, putting his hands to his forehead pretending to weep. He had to make do with comfort from Bronwyn until Paul Lyneham could lend a more sympathetic hand.
The audience voted with its heart by singing Advance Australia Fair louder than God Save the Queen. It’s head would have said the Lyneham-Denton-Bishop team debated better.
Denton’s idea of turning Australia into a Windsorland theme park for all the royal families of the world was the answer. That was much better than taking royalty seriously as the Americans had, he argued, with Jack and Bobby tragically killed and Teddy left horribly alive.